Cheating Death
by SilverAndFlames
Summary: There's a new witch in Lancre, she's 16, has amazing coloured hair and a very familar last name. Also she has three days to live. But can Death really take a Weatherwax? Starring Death, the witches. Spoilers for Carpe Jugulum
1. NewWitch

A/N: My favourite Terry Pratchett characters are Death and the witches. I've tried to write a story combining them as equally important characters. Also includes the anthrophification (???) of Life. This is the first chapter. I'm hopefully going to continue but I'm not sure.  
  
Death glared at the life timer in his hand, this was quite an achievement considering it is actually fairly difficult for a skull to glare. There was a small amount of sand left in top half. It was slowly trickling down into the bottom.  
SHE WILL NOT COME EASILY. Said Death.  
  
The girl in question was walking slowly across the moors. Towards Lancre, she was around 16 and alone. She was being watched, not just by Death but also by three witches.  
  
'Oh. So that's her is it?' Nanny Ogg asked.  
'She's. young.' Said Agnes Nitt. 'And thin.' Added Perdita, from inside Agnes. Agnes Nitt brought a whole new meaning to schizophrenic; she could hold entire wars in her head. Providing of course Perdita wasn't in one of THOSE moods.  
'Must be mustn't she.' Said Granny Weatherwax slowly. But she adjusted the image again. Scrying was an inexact art, only when you didn't know what you were looking for. This coven did. But Granny Weatherwax was still staring at the girl.  
'Esme? What is it?' Gytha Ogg asked.  
'Just tryin' to see her face is all.'  
'Why not many kids with hair like that is there?' Granny Weatherwax shrugged slowly. Shrugging was not a very Granny Weatherwax motion, Weatherwax's were sure of themselves. They nodded, they shook their heads sometimes they completely ignored you but they never shrugged.  
'Not many kids with hair like that is there Esme?' Nanny Ogg said again. Agnes and Perdita were both puzzled.  
'No. No. Very uncommon hair colour is silver.'  
'Especially with red stripes.' Said Agnes whilst Perdita made a comment about premature grey hair and witching. But Agnes thought it better not to mention it.  
'Shall we meet her then?' Nanny said pleasantly. Agnes groaned. Broomsticks are not a good idea when you are roughly the same shape as a bag of flour. 'An over stuffed bag of flour.' Perdita added cruelly.  
The witches set of into the night, because that's what witches do. Generally because setting off into the night sounds better than setting off into the midmorning drizzle.  
  
Death wasn't happy. Of course being Death you aren't normally anything. Glands are a necessary part of emotions. So in this case it would be more accurate to say Death thought he wasn't happy. *  
The teenage girl he was watching was late. Soon to be in more ways than one. She had an appointment with him in around three days time. Of course three days was long enough time for a lot of things to happen. Especially for a witch. Witches have ways of cheating Death.  
This explained why this particular silver and scarlet haired youth had been going to dye in three days for the past four years.  
Witches aren't born, but they are chosen. This particular witch had been chosen in. about thirty minutes time. Life of course was cruel and annoying in Death's experience of her. She was clingy, immature and meddlesome. He had an impression that she was behind this somewhere. **  
Landing was easier than taking off. Agnes thought. 'Possibly because there gravity on the way down.' Perdita snapped.  
Granny Weatherwax marched towards the girl, scarlet and silver hair flying everywhere.  
'Hello, you're looking for us.' Nanny Ogg smiled brightly 'Want a sweet?'  
'No, thank you. who are you?'  
'We could ask the same thing.' Perdita said. She was angry at being cold and wet.  
'I'm Nanny Ogg; this is Agnes Nitt and Perdita. Don't ask. And this is.'  
'Oh, I know Esme Weatherwax.' The girl turned and smiled. 'She's family.'  
  
Death sighed deeply. This would have to be dealt with, he glanced down at the life timer the words ALISON LILITH WEATHERWAX.  
  
* But for literary purposes we'll leave that fact out. After all it sounds better.  
  
** Life is usually behind most living things. 


	2. Family

'Family?' Nanny Ogg asked.  
'My Niece.' Granny Weatherwax responded.  
'Niece?' Agnes wondered aloud.  
'You know my sister's daughter?'  
'I know what niece means!'  
'Then don't ask!' Agnes sunk into silence, Perdita was being noisy.  
'Allie Weatherwax.' The young witch said offering a hand to the others. Nanny Ogg took it.  
'Allie?'  
'Alison.' Granny snapped, 'Come on my girl we'd better get you dry.'  
  
Death groaned, a very odd thing for a skeleton to do. Four witches? TWO WEATHERWAX's. Things just weren't looking good.  
  
'So how come you never visited before?' Nanny Ogg asked. Allie smiled and simply said.  
'Mother.'  
'Stands to reason.' Granny said. Agnes was in shock; Granny didn't go in for family.  
'so you're the new coven member?' She asked  
'Probably. For a while. I move around a lot.'  
'Why?' Agnes and Perdita asked.  
'that's enough. My niece and I are going home.' Granny snapped.  
  
'You think I can't see?'  
'I knew you could.'  
'You can't cheat death my girl.'  
'I've managed well so far.'  
'By stealing?'  
'Borrowing.'  
  
Lilith Weatherwax wasn't your usual woman. She'd fallen pregnant with her daughter and ignored the fact.  
Allie's father is completely unaware of his daughter's existence. Being dead was one of the reasons for this. In fact he hadn't really ever been alive.  
One night with Miss Weatherwax had been about the only memorable occurrence in his short life.*  
'Agnes?'  
'Yes Granny?'  
'I need you to teach Allie.'  
'Me?'  
'Yes you.'  
'Why?'  
'Just do it. Teach her to live.' Agnes blanched. To live? Wasn't she doing that anyway?  
  
* Demi Gods have it ruff sometimes.** ** Especially when you're the demi god of Pig Farming 


	3. Life and Death

'She wants me to teach you to live.' Agnes said. Allie grinned.  
'She would.'  
'How do you teach someone to live? I want to make sure I'm doing it right.'  
'You tell them to except it when they die.' Allie nodded to her confused face.  
'Can argue when you die?'  
ONLY IF YOU'RE A WEATHERWAX. Death said. Both witches jumped. A jumping witch is quite a sight. The hat adds something.  
'Damn.' Allie said. Agnes thought the occasion called for slightly more than 'Damn' but didn't say so.  
ALISON LILTH WEATHERWAX. the voice was like slabs of granite.  
Death? Cooee Death? This voice was like sugar and honey. If sugar and honey made a noise.  
Death froze. OH NO he said. Allie began to giggle. Agnes was convinced that this WAS NOT the time for giggling but she still didn't say anything.  
LIFE. HOW N. PL. DIFFERENT IT IS TO SEE YOU.  
I've missed you too honey. The women appeared roughly 2 seconds after her voice.*  
'I don't think he said missed.' Allie said grinning. Agnes thought cheeking Life herself wasn't a good idea and said so.  
'You still here?' Allie asked. Agnes was shocked. Perdita was just pissed.  
THE GIRL IS MINE.  
Oh be reasonable. Life grinned and tossed her hair.  
SHE HAS 3 DAYS TO LIVE. SHE HAS HAD 3 DAYS TO LIVE FOR A YEAR. I CAN ONLY ASSUME THIS IS YOU.  
Yes. But I came to tell you she can die now. She's very boring.  
ALISON LILTH WEATHERWAX. OH DAMN.  
Agnes didn't think Damn was the word but didn't say so. Agnes didn't say a lot of things but Perdita wasn't bother about that.  
'She went north.' She said in Agnes' voice and Life looked round.  
Oh its [b/]you.[b\] 


	4. AnkhMorpork

A/N: Sorry it's taken so long to update. I've been up to my neck in other stuff (like Math GCSE's) Anyways, this is the next chapter of Cheating Death and I'm introducing two others of my favourite characters; Rincewind and Susan Sto Helit. Please bare with me I've got another couple of characters to mix in then I can get down to serious Disc World story lines. (  
This chapter is dedicated to Emily Reynolds who, through a wonderful e-mail, inspired me to keep writing this story and reminded me how much I like thanks. Thanks to her and all of those who have reviewed.  
  
'We have to find her.' Granny Weatherwax said sternly.  
'We don't know where she went.' Agnes replied cautiously.  
'Where do all teenage runaways end up?' Granny said sounding exasperated.  
'Oh, you think she's in Ankh-Morpork?' Magrat Garlic, Queen of Lancre, mother of the heir to the throne and more importantly witch, asked whilst rocking the baby gently.  
'I know she is.' Granny replied. There was a silence you could cut with a knife*. Agnes and Perdita held their respective breaths and Margrat continued to cradle the baby.  
'Some will have to feed Greebo.' Said Nanny decidedly.  
  
Allie Weatherwax wandered through the streets of Ankh-Morpork. In actually fact she wandered through the Shades. The general part of Ankh- Morpork not referred to as streets. Possibly because it wasn't referred to at all.  
'Err. hello?' asked a voice from her left. Allison Weatherwax turned to face it preparing to see some form of ghastly-disfigured face of a troll or the enraged face of an angry dwarf. What she actually saw was much worse. The pale clammy face of Rincewind; the wizard who can't even spell wizard. His hat was enough proof of that. Wonky sequins across the pointed hat spelt;  
  
Wizzard.  
  
'Hello.' Allie returned slightly shocked. From behind her came a growling sound.  
'Just ignore that.' Rincewind said quickly as she turned. 'It's just the luggage.' Allie stared at the sight before her. It was chest. Or rather the shape of a chest covered in a variety of sheepskin artefacts. Each of the many feet was clad in small sheepskin boots.  
'It seems a little cold.' Allie said trying to smile and failing. The luggage still growling and trying, under the tonnage of wool, to bare its teeth**.  
'He had an incident with a Shepard.' Rincewind replied. 'Are you ok? You look at little out of place.'  
'I'm. From out of town.'  
'Ah. Okay. Do you have somewhere to stay?' Allie's eyes shone with a plan.  
  
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'Why did we have to bring the cat?' Perdita asked. Agnes ducked.  
'That CAT as you called him. Will miss his mummy if we leave him at home.' Nanny Ogg said glaring at Agnes.  
'Don't worry. He'll be ok.' Magrat said to Agnes comfortingly.  
'It wasn't him I was worried about.' She responded.  
  
'You can't come in here! Women aren't allowed.' Rincewind hurried after Allie Weatherwax, who at that moment was striding purposely through the halls of the Unseen University. Grinning.  
'Well that's sexist.'  
'It's the rules!'  
'Didn't anyone ever tell you rules we meant to be broken?'  
  
YOU HAVE BEEN MEDALING.  
And you haven't? Death looked at the women in front of him***. He did hate Life. It wasn't like him to have emotions. It took him a long run at hating something but Life he hated. She was so annoying and ALWAYS there. Unfortunately, he was stuck with her. Life and Death were kind of co-existent.  
I KNOW OF SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP.  
Do you now. Good for you. I suggest you fetch them because I'm late. Muti-birth in Quirm. A poor woman's having six.  
THEN I SUGGEST YOU GO. THE DEATH OF RATS WILL COPE WITH FETCHING HER.  
SQUEAK?  
  
'No.'  
SQUEAK?  
'I said no. Tell my grandfather he can do this himself.'  
'He said you'd say that. Are these eyeballs?'  
'No Quoath they're ping-pong balls painted like eyes. The children did them for me.'  
'Oh. Anyway he said to tell you wouldn't be alone.'  
'Oh?' Susan Sto Helit, Death's granddaughter, and local primary school teacher asked with an uninterested way.  
'Yep. Said something about a lad called San Lob or.'  
'Lobsang?'  
'Yeah that'll be it.'  
'Oh.' Susan paused, the children could do painting for a few days and she could use some time off.  
'Ok. I'll do it but not because of the boy!'  
'Sure.' Said Quoath.  
SQUEAK said the Death of Rats.  
  
'You can't do this!!!' Rincewind screamed at Allie. The other Wizards nodded their agreement.  
'Listen to me! My name is Allison Weatherwax. Note the Weatherwax. Now what were you saying?'  
Around her the Wizards moved to make the preparations she'd requested.  
'Can I go now?' Rincewind asked.  
'No. You and I are going for a little trip.'  
'Oh, where to?'  
'Next century.'  
  
*Usually is. Generally because silence is a lack of noise, noise being air and air usually- easily cut with a knife. ** A chest bearing its teeth can be quite scary in it's self. After all splinters can hurt. ***There was a lot to look at. 


End file.
